Relationships & family~15 minDBT
Planning a hard conversation (DEAR MAN)
Script an important ask — for a change, a favor or a no — so you can stay clear and calm.
DEAR MAN is DBT's skill for asking for what you want or saying no (Linehan): Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, stay Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate. Writing it out ahead of time makes the conversation shorter, calmer and more likely to work.
1. What I want from this conversation — and what matters most: the outcome, the relationship or my self-respect
2. D — Describe the situation, just the facts
3. E — Express my feelings or opinion, using 'I'
"I feel worried when…"
4. A — Assert: ask clearly for what I want, or say no clearly
5. R — Reinforce: why it's good for them too, or what will be better if things change
6. M — Mindful: what I'll do if they get sidetracked or attack (repeat my ask, don't take the bait)
7. A — Appear confident: my tone, posture and eye contact
8. N — Negotiate: what I'd be willing to give, or other options
9. When and where I'll have the conversation